Hey, friends! Long time, no write. A lot has happened in my life recently that made me lose interest in writing this blog (for both good and bad reasons), and I’m tempted to start it up again. Maybe.
I started my blog because I was feeling exceptionally lonely and needed a creative, anonymous outlet to talk about the things I was interested in. I had become so committed to transitioning to cruelty free and minimal waste; I thought I was doing it to make the world a happier place, but now that my life has moved on, I think I was only committing myself to a cause to make myself feel more enriched and give my life more purpose.
I was living in a deeply unhappy household and trying to force myself through an even shittier relationship with a terrible man. My spending went through the roof, and perhaps I tried to justify it by the mantra “Oh, but I’m buying it to talk about on my blog!”
I saved my empties and destashes every month to post up here, and I had also saved everything to post one giant photo at the end of the year. I emotionally held on to literal trash to feel like I was working towards some sort of goal. It made me kind of understand what it might be like to be a hoarder, to hold on to 40 years worth of newspapers because the world will crash around you if you threw them away. They’re useful. They have purpose. That’s how I ended up feeling about my makeup trash.
Then, my life totally changed. I dumped that shithead and immediately felt a weight off my shoulders. I noticed that my spending dropped dramatically after that. I knew I was happier and didn’t use ‘coming home to a new parcel in the mailbox’ as the #1 reason I was excited to leave my office and go home.
I decided to move. Once I had made up my mind, started searching for share houses, and started packing, I felt this magical change within my headspace. I no longer held on to items with such emotional force. I looked at my 2 Doc Marten shoe boxes (big, BIG shoe boxes) totally spilling over with my empties and destashes and felt repulsed. I threw it all away without wanting to take a photograph of it. I just wanted it gone.
I met my current boyfriend who fills my life with so much excitement, joy, and gratitude that I don’t shop anymore. Since September, the only big shopping binge I’ve been on was 2 ~$150 ASOS orders, which I understand to be caused by Christmas stress. That’s it. I honestly could not tell you what the last piece of makeup I bought for myself was. With him, I don’t feel like I need to shop; I don’t need to wait on packages to arrive at my doorstep to feel hope and joy. He does that for me all by himself.
I stopped writing on my blog because I felt like I didn’t need to. I’d lost the emotional connection to it, and it wasn’t a crutch anymore.
Will I pick it back up again? I don’t know. Will I start saving my makeup again to show the world? I don’t know.
All I know is, if I do, I’ll be doing it out of love for makeup and the joy that playing with makeup brings me, not as an emotional coping mechanism.
I feel happy now, and I hope that I can start my blog again – for the right reasons, this time.